JCIP #354 - Adam The Sartorial Gardener

In episode 354 of The Just Checking In Podcast we checked in with Adam The Sartorial Gardener. 

Adam runs an Instagram account where, as the title suggests, he documents his life tending and working on his garden whilst looking very dapper and elegant at the same time. 

Adam also posts on the account to cherish the memory of his wife Evanne, who tragically died of brain cancer on April 29th 2025. 

Adam and Evanne met at university in Lancaster where he met her on the very first seminar he ever attended.

Evanne was originally diagnosed before Adam met her, on December 28th 2018. 

They graduated together in 2022 but tragically, in November that year, her brain cancer returned and she was re-diagnosed with a grade 3 form of the tumour. 

Adam and Evanne had originally planned to get married in July/August 2025. However, because of Evanne’s prognosis and decline, they moved it forward and after getting engaged in March 2023, got married in March 2025, just one month before she died. 

During their time at university, there was a small garden at the end of the road of the flat where they both lived together. Adam started volunteering there and Evanne took pictures of the bees and flowers there as part of her degree. 

From that point, Adam’s desire to do horticulture and gardening for a career was born. 

In this episode, we first discuss Adam’s triple diagnosis of dyslexia, dyspraxia and dysgraphia and how that impacted his childhood and adolescence. We also discuss how the early diagnosis and having a hugely supportive state-school environment allowed him to thrive alongside these conditions, manage them and succeed by going to university. 

We then discuss the love story of meeting Evanne, how they navigated the brain cancer treatment, the story of their marriage, and Evanne’s tragic decline from her second diagnosis. 

We discuss the grief he has gone through in the last year since her death, his desire to keep her memory alive through the gardening account, and a hike he did in September 2025 alongside Adam and Evanne’s friends and family, which raised £3,300 for brain cancer research charities. 

We came across Adam through his interview on friend of the pod JD’s ‘What’s On Your Mind?’ channel.

As always, #itsokaytovent

You can follow Adam on social media here: https://www.instagram.com/the_sartorial_gardener/

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Trigger Warning. This podcast contains a deep discussion about grief and loss, which some listeners may find distressing or upsetting. So please listen with caution. Hi Venters, welcome back to another episode of the Just Checkin' In Podcast. I'm your host Freddy Cocker and this podcast is brought to you by Vent, a place where everyone, but especially men and boys, can open up about their mental health issues, break down stigmas, and start conversations. In each episode, I check in with a special guest. We have a natter and a chat about all things mental health, as well as anything and everything else they are passionate about. If it helps that person with their mental health, we discuss it. My special guest for this episode is a man called Adam who runs an Instagram account called Adam the Satorial Gardener. As the title suggests, Adam documents his life tending and working on his garden whilst looking very dapper and elegant at the same time. Adam also posts on the account to cherish the memory of his wife Ivan, who tragically died of brain cancer on April 29, 2025. Adam and Ivan met at university in Lancaster, where he met her on the very first seminar he ever attended. He was studying for a film studies degree, and Ivan was studying for a fine art degree, but they had both taken an elective module in film studies, which is how they crossed paths. Ivan was originally diagnosed before Adam met her on December 28, 2018. They started dating in May 2020 on his birthday of all days, and she only mentioned her diagnosis casually to Adam a few months into their relationship as she had been declared in remission in the summer of 2020. They both graduated in 2022, but tragically, in November of that year, her brain cancer returned, and Ivan was rediagnosed with a grade 3 form of the tumour. Adam and Ivan had originally planned to get married in July or August 2025, but because of Ivan's prognosis and decline, they moved it forward and after getting engaged in March 2023, they got married in March 2025, just one month before Ivan died. During their time at university, there was a small garden at the end of the road of the flat where they both lived together. Adam started volunteering there and Ivan took pictures of the bees and flowers there as part of her degree. From that point, Adam's desire to do horticulture and gardening for a career was born. He found some Royal Horticultural Society courses online and applied for an apprenticeship, but sadly didn't get it. At Christmas in 2024, Ivan sat him down and gave him some money to be able to do the course and pursue his dream. He went to Southport Flower Show and Ivan sent him a link to a job that he would go on to work in now at time of recording. Adam says that if it wasn't for Ivan, he wouldn't be doing what he does now. He then got onto two horticultural courses at college, and the rest is history. In this episode, we first discussed Adam's triple diagnosis of dyslexia, dyspraxia and dysgraphia, and how that impacted his childhood and adolescence. We also discuss how the early diagnosis and having a hugely supportive state school environment allowed him to thrive alongside these conditions, manage them, and succeed by going to as esteemed a university as Lancaster. We then discuss the love story of Adam meeting Yvan, how they navigated the brain cancer treatment, the story of their wedding day, and Yvan's tragic decline from her second diagnosis. We discussed the grief Adam has gone through in the last year since her death, his desire to keep her memory alive through the gardening account, and a hike he did in September 2025 alongside his friends, his family, and Ivan's friends and family, which raised £3,300 for brain cancer research charities. I came across Adam through his interview on my friend JD's What's on Your Mind channel. So thank you, JD, for the amazing work you do as well, brother. So this is how my conversation with Adam the Sartorial Gardener went. How are you, first of all, brother? And what was the feedback to your interview with JD as well?

SPEAKER_01 4:57

Yeah, thanks for having me. Yeah, I'm feeling alright this morning. I'm about to go out and do a charity walk this morning for the Brain Tumor Charity and a few hours' time. And yeah, being on the JD What's on Your Mind podcast, it's really interesting. Just bumped into him in the streets. And yeah, the feedback on that's been really supportive. And I've had people message me saying, Hey, I've heard or seen your story. Well done for talking about it, and the support around it's been really nice.

SPEAKER_00 5:19

Amazing, mate. We have got a mountain to talk about, not just Ivan, but your own story, gardening, everything in between. And as we chatted about off-air, you are a man that is the definition of don't judge a book by its cover. So without further ado, are you ready to start the show and talk all about your wonderful journey? Absolutely. Let's start your podcast, Adam, by talking about your mental health journey. As everything you do with a sartorial gardener comes from your experiences here. So I ask all my special guests on this topic this question first. Tip me back to early life, teenagers, and looking back, were there any early mental health experiences, if any? Who's the Adam we meet here?

SPEAKER_01 6:00

Yeah, so I think early on, I think like a lot of people, there's been ups and downs through mental health. I went to therapy early on in primary school. I think it was around about eight, nine, ten, eleven years old. It was a year five, year six. I can't remember what the ages there. And that was largely due to home dynamics and guardians. So that played a role into it. Then I went to school and college counselors in high school college, again, just with dealing with things. I think largely that was self-esteem and finding my way through life with uh some learning difficulties, and then no support or no going to therapy counselling for several years. And then it was only during my late wife's cancer journey that I started going to therapy myself a little bit, and then took myself out of that to focus on her.

SPEAKER_00 6:43

And then here I am today. Well, let's go back to those neurological conditions, mate, if we can. So when you were seven years old, you're diagnosed with three of those conditions: dyslexia, dyspraxia, I've covered on the podcast before, and finally dysgraphia. So just tell my listeners briefly what all three of these conditions are, how you were diagnosed, and how they impacted your mental health and I guess your physical health too at the time.

SPEAKER_01 7:04

So, yeah, I should say dyslexia's dyspraxia is typically everyone's aware of them, but dyslexia is typically difficulty with your reading, your writing, uh spelling, the running gag around it is the words move around all the time. That's very, very true. And in terms of dyspraxia, poor motor skills, you know, fine motor skills, especially. I was always terrible with tennis or any ball games at school.

SPEAKER_00 7:25

Welcome to the club. Yeah. If someone asked me to put up a shelf, it'd be a YouTube video.

SPEAKER_01 7:29

Oh yeah, no, uh all the things in the house. I try and put off DIY as long as I can because I know it's going to be a terrible job at the end of it. I'll have the confidence, just not the skills.

SPEAKER_02 7:38

It's like Homer when he builds the um brick wall and he's like, Why doesn't mine look like that?

SPEAKER_01 7:44

No, literally it is. But yeah, dysgraphia, it's like impaired handwriting, so it's a double whammy with dyslexia. Again, more poor spelling, difficulty putting thoughts onto paper. So I especially have the handwriting of a child still, no matter how much I practice it.

SPEAKER_00 7:59

Mate, I'm left-handed, mate, I've got one too.

SPEAKER_01 8:02

Yeah, it's not fun. But I think with that, you're dealing with those things. Got the diagnosis around seven years old, so it was just kind of a full assessment of all different neurological learning difficulties. And then after that, I think the help being put in the right places, teachers were aware of it. I was quite fortunate. The schools I went to, they were all familiar with dyslexia, dyspraxia, and dysgraphia, it wasn't too hard to get information on in the education space. Yeah, so from that side of things, I think self-esteem wasn't too knocked down by that, because I had that support, but still, especially in PE, not being able to catch the ball properly, those things did come through.

SPEAKER_00 8:36

It's really interesting you said that you got the support, mate. You're seven years younger than me, but still the environment back then for certain conditions was obviously not the place it's in now. And first of all, the conditions run on one side of your family. So I imagine perhaps you were able to see those traits when you were very young, perhaps normalise them in a way, even subconsciously. But also you went to a state school, and I think this is a great example of the state school system because not only were you given the right support and from an early age, but also I found out you even had a famous wall of famous people, I should say, with learning disabilities or conditions like yours. Was that like just an amazing affirmation to walk past every day?

SPEAKER_01 9:16

Yeah, I think it was because it was in that part of the college that had that learning support available. And it was just a whole wall, and it had such a range of different celebrities from history, from today, that had a range of different conditions. So yeah, walking past it was it was very normalized, like, oh yeah, these people had that, and what? Essentially, you know, there's no barrier to your success just because of whatever diagnosis you've got. And I think a famous one was Albert Einstein with dyslexia.

SPEAKER_00 9:42

The OG dyslexia go, basically. Just going deeper here, mate, the stigma and taboo for these conditions I think kind of fall into either two camps when it comes to institutions like schools. So either complete ignorance and children being left to fall through the net who either need a diagnosis or just need further support. I was one of those people that fell through the net. I wasn't someone who was quote unquote special needs, but I definitely had additional needs or kind of traits that were just weren't picked up. And because I was academic in quite a lot of subjects, well, I didn't mask, I definitely didn't mask, but I was just kind of left to fall through the net. On the other hand, there's this kind of bigotry of low expectations where children might be diagnosed or they might not be diagnosed, but through a combination of patronizing, belittlement, just lack of self-belief, they're kind of led to believe they won't achieve anything, and it becomes this self-fulfilling prophecy, right? This really vicious cycle. How do we challenge both of these things to allow kids to thrive like you did?

SPEAKER_01 10:38

Well, that's a very good question. I think it's multi-layered. It requires the consciousness that, again, with a lot of these conditions, there's a range of it. So some people can be severely dyslexic. And you mentioned before it running in the family. On my side, my uncle always carries around a dictionary with him. He always had a pocket dictionary to help with spelling all the time.

SPEAKER_00 10:55

Hey, that just looks like he's clever. Yeah, no, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 10:58

But yeah, so in terms of that, it's um being aware that there's a uh spectrum on severity. I think with dyspraxia as well, that can go all the way to you just struggle holding things in your hand. So I think it comes down to that awareness from teachers and you know, training there, making sure they're aware, and to not let it influence how they're approaching things. I think we'll talk about it a little bit later with Anne's treatment diagnosis in regards to one day might be very bad, one day might be very good. So some days it might be you'll be um almost like you've never been diagnosed anyway. You're just having a really good day with it. And then other days it's just I am being very slow today. There might be something else going on, but there's not. Yeah, it always just comes down to making sure that teachers have the awareness and the support people in your life have that awareness around these different conditions and to not just judge a book by its cover.

SPEAKER_00 11:49

Very much so, mate. Before we talk about event, you were able to succeed and thrive despite your conditions. You went to university, Lancaster, a very, very good university, I must say, and you continued that support, or you continue to be supported, I should say. You had a learning support tutor to help you with your studies. How much support did that give you, do you think, looking back?

SPEAKER_01 12:09

I think in terms of the support that gave me, I think it wasn't specifically learning. I want to give a shout-out to John, the supporter, if he ever listens to this. But I don't want to throw him under the bus by saying he didn't help me with the learning. But no, he he offered at the start, I could offer you just day-to-day support, how you're managing things, but also education, a bit of both. I think I learned more on the day-to-day support generally. But he let me explore ideas and help me vocalize them in ways that I did struggle to. And then he would read my essays for me occasionally when I had a final draft. You know, wouldn't go back and say actually rewrite the whole thing. It'd be very, very constructive. So having that from the get-go was absolutely invaluable, especially during that rocky time of the pandemic. Some of those meetings were in person, some of them were video chat. So it was really, really informative, exposing me to new ideas and thought processes. Yeah, really good cushion to fall back on.

SPEAKER_00 13:00

Big up, John. Let's talk about the reason we are checking in today now, mate, which is not just your gardening skills, but also your wife, Ivan, who died on the 29th of April, 2025. However, before we talk about that horrific period of grief, tell me the story of how you met in your very first seminar at Lancaster University. What made her special and what was it about her that made you fall in love with her?

SPEAKER_01 13:21

Yeah, I think yeah, it was the first seminar at uh university came in there. I think I was the last one in, so filing in around one table. For her, uncharacteristically, as I would find out, she was the first one in, so she ended being sat opposite me at a table. For her, she had a very thick brummy accent. She was from the Midlands, Tamworth. So I'd never really met anyone in person from the Midlands, so I was like, oh my god, I feel like I'm abroad. What is this exotic accent? So caught me by surprise. So she immediately had my attention as soon as she uh started speaking. But then also at the very end of the seminar, she got us all together to make a group chat and get us talking about films and get involved. I later found out this was her second time doing GUNI, so she really knew what to do from the get-go, so she had a second chance at these things, which again was just great for everyone, you know, that attitude to be around really helped in Freshers Week.

SPEAKER_00 14:12

You start officially dating on your birthday in May 2020. Now, despite the COVID pandemic derailing a lot of your degree, how fondly do you look back on that initial period? Very fondly.

SPEAKER_01 14:24

I mean, yeah, it was on my birthday. You can't say no to the birthday boy. Uh so that was that was the logic of it. It's almost like you planned it, mate. But no, I look very fondly on it because I mean we've all been through the pandemic in late March, so it kind of coincided with half-term anyway. And then we just started writing letters to each other. So there was a special element there that I don't think pretty much anyone at our age gets that experience to you know be waiting for a letter to come through. And we tried to keep the texting and what was in the letters separate just so it felt a bit more special. Um, she would print out memes or make her own memes and print them and send them in the post as well. So it was always fun to go through those things. So I do have those still, and it's um I do feel very, very privileged on that, and I do look back on that with a sense of feeling special. Something unique that not many other couples have.

SPEAKER_00 15:16

I imagine you've still got a lot of those letters, if not all of them, mate. But also going deeper, I imagine writing the first one might have been a little bit anxiety-inducing with your dysgraphia and your dyslexia. Did it give you more confidence writing than regularly?

SPEAKER_01 15:31

Um Yeah, I think it's one of those things where you let your mind race with love and you just go, I'm gonna do whatever, I don't care. So it's a carefree attitude that you find yourself in in the early days, in the honeymoon phase, as they call it. Handwriting, yeah, I was definitely, oh no, she's gonna see my handwriting and not even respond back to my letter. So I got my ruler and I would just slightly stencil out all the lines on the paper and then write with pen. I think I went through at least two attempts, at least. It was very stereotypical. I have the paper wastebasket behind me, just throwing them back. No, we'll try this again.

SPEAKER_00 16:08

Oh my god, it's like the films!

SPEAKER_01 16:10

Yes, it is.

SPEAKER_00 16:13

I can just imagine just like scrunching one up for like the 50th time, like, oh, that one's not good.

SPEAKER_01 16:18

It really did.

SPEAKER_00 16:20

Oh, mercy. When did you know she was the one, mate?

SPEAKER_01 16:24

Um, it was actually around that time. I think if I said that at the time, should have run a hundred miles, like hit away from me. Yeah, I was talking to her about my granddad's who'd passed away, you know, about 13 years prior, and the role he played growing up. Uh just they say I miss him a little bit at the time. And a couple days later in the post, a little 50p arrived. You're holding it up for the camera to the listeners. I am indeed. So it's got a um steam locomotive on it, the Mallard. And that one, it was our favourite train between the two of us. I went to York Train Museum to see that. And it was just such a little attentive detail that she was listening, things I was saying that really mattered. So pair that with writing the letters and the bomb we had at uni and this coming through the post, I was like, yeah, this is a person that you know I want to keep close with me and spend the rest of my life with.

SPEAKER_00 17:15

Prior to meeting her, mate, Ivan was diagnosed with brain cancer on September the 28th, 2018. By the summer of 2020, through treatment, she was declared officially in remission. So when did she first disclose to you she had gone through this and how did you react at the time? Just a very slight cave. It was the uh December the 28th, 2018.

SPEAKER_01 17:37

Chuck my notes in the bin. That many dates to just throw at you. But yeah, and I think she would have mentioned it at the time, but she was so candid about it, it just made it sound like, oh yeah, I've got dyslexia too, I've got a brain tummy, yeah, what about it? And I think because it was so close to a she did charity fundraising things, but it wasn't a very constrictive thing that it can be where it becomes your entire life from the get-go. Some people just want to try and live that normal life as much as they can. And she was still going through treatment through tablet form, so that was very discreet in the background. She was able to go to uni. So I think I was aware of it, but exceedingly naive around that.

SPEAKER_00 18:15

Unfortunately, the brain cancer returned, and in October 2022, you and Ivan together were given the horrific news. Now, by this point, you'd both graduated from university, you moved in together. Just take me back to the build-up to that moment, your memory of that awful hospital room and when you both reacted to the prognosis.

SPEAKER_01 18:34

Yeah, so the build-up to that, so I finished university in that summer, and then she'd gone on to do a master's degree. So yeah, we were planning on moving together very shortly at that time. But as with a lot of these things prior, you know, she had her regular checkups a few times a year just to see how things were going on. It was always fine. So I wasn't attending these uh appointments at the time because they were just so run of the mill. And yeah, I get a phone call you know the end of October, early November saying they said it's come back. Now my mind's just like, okay, I have no point of reference here, I've never been in this situation before. She understands the gravity of it and she's crying, and you know, she's saying, I understand if you want to leave me. And I'm just thinking, well, why would that be a an option here? Like, I don't understand any of this. So I just finished work early and just went down to see her straight away. And it was then when we start discussing things, um, going back on the original treatment she was on, and then from there on out start attending the oncology appointments.

SPEAKER_00 19:38

When the person that you in your head, but maybe have not told yet you know is going to be the love of your life, has around six to twelve months to live, mate. Does that even feel real? Like when did you even process that properly?

SPEAKER_01 19:50

Well, this is um very late on in the cancer journey. I think when she was originally re-diagnosed, already knew her as I mentioned. I think it was at the following appointment, two, three months later, that I sat down, was waiting for a van to finish having her blood test done. I was like, just very quickly to a mum and dad, I was thinking about proposing to her. So I don't think many people ask for permission in the cancer room, or maybe they do. Don't know. But um yeah, fast forwarding to that point towards the end. That prognosis, the doctors typically don't give that from my understanding, unless asked about, or if it is a very, very high-like definite, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Um and I use that quite loosely. Ivan had an awful lot of scan anxiety, the idea that you have anxiety around your scan results, because in this country you can just wait weeks to find out. In other countries, it's a few days. In regards to that, she had a teenage cancer trust nurse that was checking in with her quite regularly because she was diagnosed as a teenager that carried on through to early adult treatment. And she'd asked her about this. Yeah, I'm really worried about the prognosis here and what's what. Fortunately, when we went into that appointment, they said everything's fine, it's stable, this is an absolute huge win. But then the teenage cancer trust nurse said, There was one question you wanted to ask, do you want to still ask it? And I think me, mum and dad unanimously said, We want to go home and just enjoy this, have a nice meal for this win. But Ivan, you know, she always wanted to know, she didn't want to live in ignorance, she wanted to just face it head on with all things. And yeah, she asked the question, and the nurse said, Typically with these things, this is the prognosis here. But we're not at that stage, we've got a stable scan, let's just see how things are. Uh that was a tough one, to say the least, because of her anxiety towards this for the days coming up. I got her a little Paddington bear plushy, so if it went well, it's a happy Paddington. If it went badly, it was an emotional support Paddington. So that's the same thing, right? Yes, no, it really is. It really is. Um so yeah, it was a tricky one. Yeah, it's one of those um to describe it, one of those very Quiet car rides home.

SPEAKER_00 22:04

I want to fast forward again to the summer of 2024. Ivan goes through a big change in her health and not for the better. She has to be admitted to hospital. She stays there for around three to four weeks. She's not eating, she's not drinking, and she's losing weight very quickly. How worried were you at this point that it was possibly the end, even though it didn't turn out to be?

SPEAKER_01 22:30

Well, this was three, four months before you know six, twelve month prognosis meeting. So it was just kind of out of the blue. I mean, I remember I was playing Minecraft, uh, and she just texts me. Of course you were. I was up in the north, she was still down south doing her masters, and I think she was also just staying with her parents. I just got a text saying, Hey, I'm, you know, in the hospital just having check up some meetings and things. I think she'd heavily downplayed it. And then yeah, went down to stay with her for a while. And because there was no answers, there was no particular reason why she was in hospital. She had a high fever, but we didn't know why, it wasn't infection, they were doing all sorts of tests, we weren't sure if this was the brain tumor flaring up and this was suddenly the end. None of us knew. So that ambiguity and being in the dark, I don't think it allowed a sense of grief or that level of worry to come in. It was just something's not right, not sure how to process this here at the moment.

SPEAKER_00 23:30

That's generally how I felt. We're going to jump back and forth between a few periods here for the listeners, so I just want you to stay with us. By November 2024, her mobility has declined to the point where she needs a walking stick to get around. How do you think that affected her self-esteem? And how did it affect you, mate, as well to watch that decline happen in real time?

SPEAKER_01 23:49

I think uh for her, it definitely affected her self-esteem. With brain tumours, I think it's important to recognise across the board the effects that it has on a physical and mental basis. The treatments can take away your hair, they can add weight with steroids. So I think particularly for girls and women going through treatment, that is particularly more of a focal point. Yeah. More overt, I would say. I mean, men, it still affects you if you've got a full head of hair, but yeah, definitely for women, sure. Exactly, by and large. And and for a Van again, that was the same case. So for her, it's hard, but the amazing thing about a Van is she always took things with a sense of humour. I wouldn't even say a grain of humour, it was a whole beach of humour. Um I mean she'd fractured her ankle separately with uh hair falling down the stairs once, and so she was in crutches and had a big I don't know what to call it, those orthopedic boots things for a master's graduation. And in between she was sat in a wheelchair. I remember there's one picture where it said, you know, congratulations, Birmingham University. And instead of posing in front of it, she had the wheelchair facing the board back turned to the camera. Just she found it absolutely funny. And I think she even posted that on her Instagram with it, things like that. So when it came to the walking stick, yeah, I think it affected her a lot, but um she tried to crack jokes wherever she could about it, as much as she could, and in turn we tried to give her as much support, putting extra banisters and handrails throughout the house as well. And for me, I mean that was hard. I mean I was never gonna complain, you know, clinging onto my arm walking around. But yeah, at home watching the struggle moving around the house and going out to the shops and things being harder for her, it was heartbreaking.

SPEAKER_04 25:29

Hmm.

SPEAKER_00 25:31

I want to rewind a bit to when you got engaged, which was March 2023. Just tell me about the story of how you proposed and your emotions as well, mate, given what you both already knew about the prognosis. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:43

Got engaged on the 2nd of March 2023, and there was a particular reason for that day. Our lucky number between the two of us was 23. So I figured in our calendar, 2323, you know, I've got to have it on that day. We always said we were equals pequels in the relationship, which was a great way of having conversations in the relationship. When people say, like, oh, I'm getting more of this or less of this. We'd always uh fall back on equals pequels, and that really made the conversation around anything really easy. So for the proposal, we went up to Scotland because during the pandemic we'd gone to Scotland and then on one of those NHS apps it said, Oh, you've been near someone with COVID, probably 100 feet away, you must self-isolate. Right, okay. Well we'll go home there and that's the whole holiday gone. So I thought let's go back and redo it properly. So we went up to Pitlockry and went out for some deer, not deer stalking, but deer, you know, watching them. But no, we went up there and I had the ring in my pocket the entire time. Must have had my hand in my pocket the entire day, make sure it wasn't full of.

SPEAKER_00 26:46

I was gonna say that's a lot of triple checking.

SPEAKER_01 26:48

Make sure she didn't see it accidentally. And I was like, oh, is there any other moments I could potentially propose her? You know, I ended up I think I stood in a stream at one point. I thought, is this a romantic spot? And she must have thought I was absolutely mental walking around. I'm getting soaked. We were going back to the hotel, and uh there was a place called Queen's View, and it was an absolutely stunning view. It's a March morning in Scotland, it was cold, but it was a lovely view, and these American tourists were just gabbing away at the sights and everything, and me and a van were sat on a rock waiting for them to go so we could enjoy the view a bit in peace and quiet. But a van was like, I'm cold, can we go back? And I'm like, no, no, let's just hold out another five, ten minutes for them to finish and go away. So eventually she was like, Yeah, fine, we'll stick around. And it was one of those, you know, okay, you pose for a picture, okay, I'll take a picture of each other, and then when she turned around, you sort of thing, I was there on one night. I had written out an entire script of uh what to say, you know, a van will you take me to be, you know, so and so forth. But I ended up just crying, just I couldn't get words. I was like, Do you want to marry me? The best laid plans. Yes, they just fell apart. Um, I still remember in my mind uh running round in circles, jumping for joy, and that's uh yeah, that's a happy memory I've got with me for the rest of my life.

SPEAKER_00 28:14

Yeah, I do think about a lot. Tell me about your wedding day now, mate, because to support you both, you enlisted a wedding planner from an organization called the Giles Trust Brain Tumour Fund. I imagine that wedding planner was very, very helpful for you. Your wedding is supposed to be the happiest day of your life, right? But as you said to me, this day has lots of asteriskes involved. Just unpack that for me and both of your emotions in the build-up to it.

SPEAKER_01 28:41

Yeah, so I mean, yeah, you mentioned the Giles' Trust. We had uh Karen, so she works at the fund. The Giles' Trust sent us to London to give a man that experience and and sightseeing and things like that. And they give us so much support to people at the QE Hospital in Birmingham, particularly if people are dealing with brain tumours. So Karen does wedding planning on the side, so she offered to help us, and she did such a phenomenal job. She was in South Africa at one point, still planning it, and crammed it all into three weeks. So Ivan at this point was struggling expressing her thoughts. You had to take their time with them, and a short-term memory was going an awful lot at this point. So a lot of these phone calls and decisions I took hold of, but other things she did. We tried to do them together. Thankfully, she had a like a Pinterest board and we'd save things on Instagram to make this plan, so I had a good idea of what she wanted. We discussed it a lot anyway. And as with all great weddings, everyone comes together to help. Her auntie Rachel did all the menu cards and table seating plans and everything like that. She did a phenomenal job on that. I was worrying, like, oh, did I send you enough detail for the graphic design stuff? But she just went away and did it. It was brilliant. Artist Dan Kroll, Ivan's favourite artist, he came over and performed, didn't expect it at all. If anything, Ivan asked, you know, can he perform? I don't think he'd ever performed at a wedding before. And she said, We can't get him. He's unfortunately busy on tour or planning a tour. I did think it was suspicious because he wasn't touring at the time, but uh but I was like, okay, maybe he's planning it all, you know, he's getting home together. I don't know, the life of a musical artist. But he turned up and Van was like, What? Oh my god. She was absolutely amazed by it. So on the day it was a lot of amazing things coming together, and so rightly so, it's the happiest day of your life to go through those things. And everyone just kind of came together to make it that bit more special. I've got a couple of friends in the REF, so I had them in in uniform, they were m part of my best men group, roomsmen, and they said to me, Unfortunately, we can't salute you on your wedding day, it's part protocol. Okay, that's fine, whatever. But then as me and Ivan were coming into the reception that they stood at the doors and saluted as we went in. So that was just a nice little touch. But yes, I think because of her mobility, it was just hard to watch. I mean, I first and foremost wanted her to have you know the best day of her life as well. I was just worried throughout the whole thing that she wasn't having that, or if she wouldn't. When it comes to the service itself, she was adamant, she was like, I'm walking down the aisle, you're not rolling me down it. She was wheelchair bound at this point. So I was worried, she was very late coming to the service. Largely that was just difficult getting in the in the Rolls-Royce. I was gonna say, yeah, I have no idea how high off the ground they are. I think it's just hard for anyone to get in. It's a Star Trek Voyager. So, yeah, if Rolls-Royce can make a lowrider, I'll be happy. But she got there and she got out the wheelchair, and with her mum and dad either side, walked down the aisle, and again, that's just another memory that just the determination and power to overcome the physical, you know, walking down with a smile on her face, you know, talking to people as she's coming down. Yeah, it's powerful. Um and again, we're you know, we sat there, and because of the way the brain she was acting, her volume control in her voice was basically loud or nothing. Uh so as I mean, everyone everyone heard everything, and she was cracking jokes left and right throughout the service. It was nice to share in that, and I'm glad people got to hear her, even if I did have a microphone on me during the uh service. But so many amazing memories from that day. Yeah, that the asteriskes are just more my own concern for her and making sure she had the support she needed and and the joy that she deserved. You know, uh still I I'm so grateful we managed to pull it off in three weeks, or Karen wedding plan to pull it off in three weeks.

SPEAKER_00 32:55

Yeah, very grateful. Oh big out Karen. I got a bit emotional in our chat affair, mate, when you told me about your first dance. I mean, I know you're getting emotional now, you're gonna it's probably gonna set me off as well now. Just tell me about that moment and what Ivan said to you just after it finished. Yeah, so uh oh, excuse me, I'm I'm yeah, tearing up. Take your time. Take your time, mate.

SPEAKER_01 33:19

Yeah, so again, I was worried about that. I mean You got like 60 people watching you. I mean, all with the support and love in the world, but when she was in a wheelchair, I'm like, we didn't prepare for this. No, I mean hell with the general first dance dancing anyway, tried practicing with her at home months prior, but she was like, No, I'm busy, you know, we'll get round to that. So it was very improvisational. But yeah, on the day out I just kind of went over to her and she just stood up, held me, and we started swaying away and spinning in circles. Pretty sure I was stood on her dress for most of it, but I don't think she noticed. And afterwards during the it was either during the meal or later in the day. I asked her how she managed that and how amazed and how proud I was of her. And she just looked at me and just said, Well, I couldn't have let you down now, could I? And for I might be in thinking that um I mean boy was I lucky You are mate, you are take your time.

SPEAKER_00 34:40

God, set me off now, mate. Oh god On a Saturday morning. The sun's bright, at least it's sunny outside, mate. At least it's sunny. Ivan would have wanted this. We can't avoid this next part of the conversation, mate, and it's the most difficult, unfortunately. On April the 29th, 2025, Ivan tragically died from the brain tumour. Your world, your life up to that point is turned upside down. If you can, I know it's difficult, just take me back to the build-up to that day and how you felt when she took her last breath.

SPEAKER_01 35:17

The build-up I think looking back it was so confined to its own bubble because me and a dad and a mum were balancing the support and who was going to be with her. And it was it was 24-hour support. Someone was always in the room with her at all times, and in that sense, that was just the only focus, just making sure she's got that support. Someone's with her at all times. So I'm living in Liverpool, I'm popping back and forth to my job, you know, doing two days, three days a week, and then alternating all the days I'm not in, spending it down with her. Uh a lot of days it was I'd just finish my shift and then head straight down. So I was so caught up in just uh being their mentality that we didn't really uh well I didn't take it on board too much what was happening. There was times where I was. I mean, one time I went on a phone and just downloaded a load of photos of the two of us that I didn't have because I was worried, and this was about a month prior, yeah, towards the end of March. And other times we just sat there and watched films and just chat as if there was no issues. Yeah, like I say, it was a confined bubble of emotions at that time. We'd just been married, and with marriage, you know, you prepare yourself for the rest of your life together. She was given the options of continue with chemotherapy, but she'd already been out for two years, so it was kind of a let's try something else, so let's go private, or concede and stop. She chose to go private, so we were waiting to hear back from them. It was quite a while to hear back, and they suggested chemotherapy. So when it came to towards the end, she was still in that mentality of I'm still gonna fight this no matter what. So I think the rest of us, particular-well, I guess for myself, I was still thinking, you know, I believe in a van, team of them, we're gonna beat this. Although you know the grieving started prior in us, you know, thinking about what would be life afterwards. The mentality was still she's gonna win, you know, we're gonna get through this. And even if she wins and she's still affected, you know, physically and mentally, then you know, I've signed up for the rest of my life with it. There's no uh room to move on that. So that was my mindset. When it came to the very end, you know, I'd finished a shift at work, drove straight down, and that evening, you know, she started seizing and was taken to hospital and I was just up all night waiting to hear back, and she was moved to the ICU, and I just stayed by her side, apart from when the nurses said you have to breathe and go outside. But stayed with her the entire time. And if we're talking about the very end, me and a mum and dad agreed that no matter what we give her a peace, we just talk to her, be there for her. If she can hear us, make sure we're talking about love. And I'd call all the friends and ask them to send in nice things and audio recordings to play to her. And at the end I was holding her book, there was just this blanket of calm that overcame where it wasn't necessarily numb, but that's the best way I can describe it. I was just talking to her and I knew from the copious amounts of doom scrolling I've done over the years that the brain stays active for around seven minutes afterwards. So the second she took her last breath, I checked the time and said to myself, I've just gotta talk to her for seven minutes at least, at the minimum. And so I did with her mum and dad and um Yeah, it was just there was nothing else in the world except for her at that moment. Uh and at the end uh at the seven minutes a tear went down her face. And that's it. Oh mate, oh mate, that's getting me going and that was for me, that was uh you know letting me know. And I just walked out. Um and then the world just collapsed on my shoulders, I just fell into a chair, I couldn't move. Uh some nurse came over to me, put me in a wheelchair, and wheeled me into a another room. The tables have turned now, eh? Honestly, it's such an otherworld experience. Um never want to experience that again, but I'm glad that I had that capability in me to just be calm in that moment above all else. Um Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:48

Oh, listeners can't see, we're both bowling our eyes out here. Oh, mercy. You said on the day she died, mate, your attitude was put her first. Yes. And if there's anything in this life for me to do, I've got to do this and be there for her. This is only something a great man would say and do, mate. So A, how did that mantra manifest in reality as those weeks and months of grief transpired? And B, do you think you've given yourself enough credit for what you did for her, mate?

SPEAKER_01 41:20

Um I think in terms of the building up that mantra, I mean, it's when you sign up to be someone's fiancee or sign up, you know, to be the husband, I think that's the status quo, is you put them first, work as a team. And that came into the you know, the vows we chose to have a Anglican wedding, you know, in sickness and in health, richer for poorer. I think we'd been through all four of those. So for me, it was just, you know, that's what it was, you know. There was nothing alien about putting her first, but I think in terms of a great man, it's I'm just a man. Um that's another thing a great man would say, mate. Um in terms of credit, um if it's valid or deserved, probably not. I don't think I have. I think there's probably a big part of me that thinks probably I didn't do enough. I mean, I still go out and do my charity stuff for her. That's why I call all of the charity events carrying her with me. Because I carry her with her in me in my heart, my mind. Carry half a body weight up a mountain, that's what I did in September. So you know We'll get to that. So yeah, that'll be my answer to that. Is I probably didn't do enough, but I probably did. Both could at the same time, I think.

SPEAKER_00 42:50

You're on autopilot mode, as you told me off air, in those weeks and months, and you're having to do the dreaded death admin right. It's a massive thing to do at 25 years old. Obviously, you had support from her parents, your parents, etc. Now, when someone dies as young as Ivan, the funeral is no doubt filled with hundreds of people. When someone's old, you're lucky to get 50-60. I imagine that day was very overwhelming. But Yvan's birthday was a few days after her funeral, and you marked it by going to her favourite shop in the town. You lived and buying a few things. Tell me about that process, Meg.

SPEAKER_01 43:26

Yeah, I mean, it was overwhelming. We had it over two days. We had a service with friends and family, and then the next day we buried her. And yeah, after that I came home and just, you know, quiet. And it had been quiet anyway, she'd been down south, but this was a whole new type where the phone wasn't gonna ring from her, and I was repotting some things, particularly her plants, making sure they were all healthy, checking in on them. And that was the first thing I did in the garden was repot her blueberry. And in the hospital I bought some small roses for her in a pot. So I repotted those at home as well. And yeah, on a birthday in early June, I um yeah, went to a favourite shop and and I I bought a little um little gnome or mushroom and I just popped that in one of the pots. So the plants at home now that were hers now have little mushrooms and gnomes I've bought from that shop on special occasions since. Just to make all the things in the garden that are hers just shine through a bit more.

SPEAKER_00 44:29

I want to talk about grief support because many people just find it too difficult to stare at that grief for any period of time, whereas others, loved ones, friends supported you for a long time through a Van's death. And remarkably, you went back to work three weeks after Ivan died. Listeners might think that's strange, but the reality is you needed the money, you're a single payer now. Tell me about the support you got, in particular from one mate you told me about off air who called you every single night for three months. What a lad!

SPEAKER_01 45:04

Yeah, so yeah, shout out to Kieran. Yeah, I mean the support early on, I mean, and today, you know, her family, they've been absolutely incredible. She passed away at quarter to nine at night, and so every night at quarter to nine, we just check in with each other, we share a memory, and we s still do that. We're doing that last night, you know. So that support is ongoing and it's it can't be understated. Yeah, my friend Kieran, I mean, he was up in Glasgow, so far way away. He came down for two weeks around that funeral, so just to give me support at home. He called me at least once, if not twice a day, every day for about three or four months, and then when he got caught up at his own things, I mean he even called me up and said, I'm sorry I've not been calling you as much. I'm like, No, it's fine. You know, I can't complain at all. So having someone like that in my life, yeah. I've been very, very, very fortunate, and I do count my blessings on that with my friends and family.

SPEAKER_00 46:00

I want to talk about recovery now, because one can never truly move on from a grief like this, but you can move forward, mate. It's only been just under a year since Yvonne died at the time of recording, but how have you gone about moving forward, not on?

SPEAKER_01 46:16

Yeah, I think that's that's been the biggest thing, is it's moving forward. When it comes to dealing with life, I think the way things turned out for me very early on, like you said, I went back to work three weeks later, and I'd only started that job two months prior to her passing away. So essentially immediately life very quickly was moving forward around me. I was meeting new people at work, my whole schedule of life changed. Later that summer I started a horticulture course, so again, a whole new addition to my routine and social circle. So, in terms of those things, there was a lot of fresh things coming into it that allowed me to focus on new things, learn new things. So I'm very grateful for that. And both of those things did come from a van, strange as that may sound. She found me the job listing, and it was the only job I applied to. I mean, she was uh still looking for jobs even towards the end, no matter what. She she was so I mean it just speaks to her spirit, she was so adamant about getting her life back, beating this and working and living a normal life. Nothing was going to shake that. And whilst doing that, she found me the job. I applied to it, got it. And just a couple months prior to that, uh, Christmas, the last one we had, she just sat me down because I'd wanted to do a horticulture course anyway. I'd applied and failed to an apprenticeship, and I knew I could do it online for a sum of money. And she sat me down, gave me an envelope, and just said, You're having this for your course. I don't want to hear anything about it, you're doing your course. Oh, right, okay. Well, thank you very much, dear. Uh you know. So you're not spending it on anything else, so it stayed under lock and key. Not that I would have spent it anyway, but when it came to the summertime, I went to Southport Flower Show, and I thought, it's way too late to apply for September, it's literally a month before. What's the point? I'll go over and ask the college that had a stand there. And they said, oh no, no, please do. You know, we've still got a couple places available for in two weeks' time. Oh right. Oh yeah, okay, I'll apply to that then. And I only would have done that if you know it wasn't for a van. So both of those things I get to, again, carry her with me through my life. Um yeah, it's special to say the least.

SPEAKER_00 48:40

That even in death, she still lives with me. During this period of grief, you took yourself out of your comfort zone, you went on a few nights out on your own.

SPEAKER_03 48:49

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 48:50

And I want to come back to something which you told me about off air, which was about this tsunami of grief, right? And this analogy that you were told by a friend, you said it was the best advice you'd ever received. And he simply said, All I'm gonna say, mate, is that it'll hit you in waves. And then he left. So, how did that help you navigate your grief from that point?

SPEAKER_01 49:10

Yeah, I think uh really was a bit of phenomenal advice, so simple and worthwhile. Yeah, he popped into work uh where I worked, Casey, just to check him. Yeah, on the first or second visit, he just popped in and said, All I'm gonna say, mate, yeah, gonna hit you in waves. Take care, I'll see you shortly.

SPEAKER_00 49:28

Quite literally for the listeners, that was why I asked it in that way.

SPEAKER_01 49:31

Yeah, just he just popped in, said that, hoped I was doing well, said I knew you'd be back in work quite shortly. But navigating the grief from that standpoint, I wouldn't say it's felt like a superpower, but it really gave some perspective in the if I was feeling any particular way prior to this, if I was feeling very anxious or depressed. You know, just in life in general, you know, it can feel like the world's giving in, and what's the point? And with this, it was this is just gonna hit you in waves. And after I got through that first wave, that's when the advice really became paramount to moving forward, because I could just say, Oh yeah, it did just hit me that there's a wave. And then when it was a little grief wave of less intense, again, and just compounded the point. Each time there was a new wave, it allowed me to mentally just go, okay, as the saying goes, this too shall pass. And without that advice, I think I would have just crushed and burnt and not knowing what's going on, what's the point, particularly living in Liverpool where I didn't really know anyone. There was my um friend that popped in to work occasionally, still does. But uh, outside of my colleagues and my classmates that well to at that point I hadn't even started the class, and my colleagues hadn't really known them at all. There wasn't really anyone nearby. So without that advice, it would have yeah, felt completely differently. So I do I have to say again, thank you very much, Sean.

SPEAKER_00 50:59

Before we reflect, I've got a couple of questions. You've been a widower for over a year now, Adam. However, that's not what defined you. You're a great man, you're a great gardener, I'm sure you've got other interests that you love that define you as well and shape you. And I'm sure Ivan wouldn't want that to define you either. So it probably is a bit early, but do you see yourself finding love again in the future?

SPEAKER_01 51:24

I think you're right with Ivan, yeah, she wouldn't want it to define me. I remember one day she said, you know, if I die, she wants me to find someone and live a life. Um at the time I just said, no, no, what are you talking about? That's nonsense. You know, you'll be fine. Let's focus on us. There is a regret of wishing we talked about that more. But I think in terms of moving through life, I am in my early 20s or late 20s, grossing 30, I think. But so I think it's only natural, but I will stress the point of whoever comes into my life, they need to understand who a van was. They need to be comfortable with that. You know, I'm gonna start sounding like you know, it's like my perfect woman is you know, list of thousands of things. But no, they need to understand, you know, the role that her parents, her auntie, her cousin, uncles all still play in my life day to day. I'm of the mind that you don't marry a person, you marry the family as well. And I think that person just needs to understand that, be comfortable with that. And you know, yeah, that that'll be the first and foremost thing. And if they can manage both of those things, respect that, help even champion it to some extent, help with any fundraisers in the future, and again, as you say, not have it as a defining thing, but something that I will carry with me. So it's not their burden to bear, but they're welcome to join on the ride of life.

SPEAKER_00 53:02

And hopefully, mate, the bag won't go away, but it'll just become a little bit lighter as the years go on. On you I used to ask a question about grief, mate, which was about closure, but after I listened to a clip from Anderson Cooper's podcast about grief, I've changed that to peace. So have you found peace with her death yet?

SPEAKER_01 53:28

In some ways yes, in some ways no. But I think peace and healing can often coincide one another. So I'll answer it in the way of healing when did I first feel healing, and it was rather soon after, which was in the place we buried her, which was a wildflower meadow, and as we were visiting, I was just walking around on a day like today that was quite sunny and calm and it was the only way I could describe it was like I just I feel like I'm healing, and it was so naive, I mean, literally a couple weeks after there was no way I was healing at all. But yeah, there's been moments where I've found like I'm healing, whether that's being planting a particular plant for her, you know, just being sat with her where she's buried and just taking in the world and finding peace like that. Slowly but surely, yeah. But it's a tricky one. You know, we went through of such an intensity, you know. That's why people call it a battle with cancer. It is like being in a war zone mentally, day in, day out. Coming out of that, you go day and day out, this is the person I need to look after. They come first, and then literally overnight, you know, besides the admin that comes after it, there's nothing. That does have a jolt on the system. There's still times where I wake up in the middle of the night thinking I've not sorted a meds out today. You know, months after. I mean I still get that regarding my cat from years ago. But um yeah, I think in terms of peace, I do find it occasionally. I find it in finding the trees and plants that she liked, dotted around the animals that she liked, and those small moments, you know, sat in the garden and a robin sits next to you. You know, when a robin is near, loved ones are near, they say. So yeah, I find it in the strangers of places, but then love and grief at you in the strangers of places, you know, day in, day out.

SPEAKER_00 55:31

Let's reflect now. I was about to ask how you remember Ivan, but you've just told me beautifully there. So if you could give the listeners let's say a snapshot into what she was like as a person, character traits, anything you like, what would it be?

SPEAKER_01 55:49

I mean, the most resilient person, an encyclopedia of TV knowledge anything that was got early 2000s British TV, you could ask her, do you remember that scene in the show? I can't remember the name, and she'd tell you the name of the episode, what season it was in. I mean, I'd just go like, oh yeah, episode two, but she know the full title, all the characters, actor names. I mean, that became part of towards the end working with her, you know, as a short-term memory faded, we'd still just check on that long-term memory by asking her the most niche TV question. Drop with that IT crowd episode from 2006. She wouldn't be like, Yeah, Tanatumba, the you know, the the Oh, but numerousness incredible with that. So intelligent. And then, of course, you can't talk about a van without talking about her love of artwork and the natural world. I mean, her art was phenomenal. There were so many connections that she made with it in her university projects in a private work. It was just amazing, and I was lucky to just be around the creating these pieces of art all the time. But then she was also always thinking of other people. I mean, today people at home might not be able to see it, but I'm wearing a pin called it's Guinea Be OK with a picture of a guinea pig on the pin. And um, we uh have a friend group, me, a van, and a few others called the dogging beach.

SPEAKER_02 57:15

Sounds so logical.

SPEAKER_01 57:17

Everyone has to take a second glance at her funeral. We were talking about uh, oh yeah, the dogging beach, the amount of people that's filmed over, what what was a van into? And it was just an inside joke of someone said, you know, I will love taking my dogs to the beach, and someone said, I love dogging, or something like that. And it became the our name of our group. But on our last group meetup in the February, just before she passed, she got a pin for each of us. So they were all wearing them at a funeral. And one of the members of that group who also had a brain tumour, it was a brain tumour support group that she'd created essentially. They passed away recently, and I went to go see them, and they had that pin by the bedside as well. I hope it wasn't I love dogging. Oh my god. Thank goodness she didn't do that. But the point I'm making is that she was always thinking of other people to bring them together where she could, and always thinking of how can I make someone else's day better, even if she just didn't have the energy to get out of better self. You know, and that's how I remember her, it's how I want people to know of her who have never met her. Um yeah, she was phenomenal.

SPEAKER_00 58:31

If she was listening to this podcast, mate, I'm sure she is somewhere. What do you think you would say to her? And what do you think she would say to you?

SPEAKER_01 58:40

Um I'd say, I'm sorry I went to that Indian restaurant at the end of our road. Because if there was a place I'd go to without her, so no time elsewhere. She did have a bit of a potty mouth on her, but she'd go, You bitch. And I know full well she would have said that to me, saying, I went to that restaurant with my mum without her, even after she'd passed. So I'd apologise for that first. Um I'd probably ask her if it was her, you know, when we went on their charity walk in Scotland, there was a little Robin that appeared at the start, and it followed us along the entire few miles till the end, you know. So I'd ask her, is that you?

SPEAKER_00 59:19

You're gonna get me going again, bro.

SPEAKER_01 59:22

So I think that I don't know what I'd say to her. I think I'd just hug her, to be honest. Um you know. Simple as that, isn't it? Yeah. And I think a lot of people think, you know, if you had another you know, minute, five minutes of the person, what would you do? Uh you know, I'd just feel the moment, you know. I don't think it bears any benefit to think about what I would say I'd do rather than I think if that opportunity arose I would just be present and be grateful.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:01

What has this mental health journey taught you about yourself, mate?

SPEAKER_01 1:00:07

Uh and I could be naive and say I can handle things better than I thought I could, or endure a lot more than I thought I could. Maybe I just need a lot more support and actually I'm on the verge of crashing out, I don't know. Um but um it's put a lot of things in perspective. I mean, I'm probably a bit more grumpy when it comes to certain things, so I'm like, that's not really an issue, is it? It's one of those things where yeah, I think it's given me a lot of perspective on life, and I often say to people, I've had the life experience of a 40-year-old in my twenties. So, you know, how would you manage that? I mean, I've always called myself an old man for years. Old soulmate, maybe. But yeah, I think the resilience that's in you that you don't realise is there. I think it's this is what this whole experience, the grief, has taught me. Is that people have not just myself, is it's everyone has the ability to endure and do great things. Not that they should have to, but they can. I think it's things like Sean said to me, things are gonna hit you in waves, and having the support like people from Kierum, daily calling, those sort of things that people may not necessarily need, but they don't need to go through grief to have in their life and these people coming in. And I think we could all do more to just check in on people just for the sake of checking in, rather than you know, awaiting some catastrophic thing to happen to them. So I think, yeah, my journey and what it's taught me is is love that's needed in the world, but also the strength people have in them, even if they don't know they've got it themselves.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:02

And as a final question, mate, before we move on, if you could go back and talk to that seven-year-old Adam who had just been diagnosed with those triple D's of dyspraxia, dyslexia, and dysgraphia, the Adam in that hospital room who had just been told his then partner had been diagnosed with brain cancer for a second time, or the Adam who had just lost his wife in April 2025, what would you say to him, knowing what you do now, if anything at all?

SPEAKER_01 1:02:29

Um I think there's so many ways to answer it and so many different approaches. I my mind immediately goes to just saying, just keep doing what you're doing, mate. I'm grateful for the experiences I've had because it put me in the position of a meeting a van. You know, I can't trade that despite everything. I'd endure the whole thing on her behalf a thousand times over. I'd just say keep doing what you're doing. You're gonna have rough days, you're gonna have good days, but take the good with the bad, you'll make it out. It's guinea be okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:12

We've talked about your incredible mental health journey, mate. Let's talk about now how you've channelled the grief into this new account on Instagram, Adam the Sartorial Gardener. I must admit I had to Google what sartorial meant in my research for this as well. First of all, you've given the listeners a little bit of insight already, but just for repetition, how did you get into gardening and horticulture in the first place?

SPEAKER_01 1:03:36

Yeah, so going back years ago. It was the pandemic, to be fair. Uh I was at university doing a film studies degree, got sent home. My mum's garden was virtually derelict, just completely abandoned. She has not a green thumb to her name. And I just went out and started gardening to plant some new things there, tend to some of the plants. And I just found it really enjoyable. When I went back to university, there was a community garden that I started volunteering at, and I found a great joy in that pride in being part of that community and pride of place so people can see the work as well. And then after university, my mindset was, you know, I need to just kind of work and provide whilst Van's going through treatments, doing a master's degree. I'll just work in the background to provide an income. But I did keep thinking I do want to try and make a career out of gardening or learn those skills from somewhere. And so that's why Van sent me the palmhouse job. So I started working there, being around the plants, not allowed to do anything with them, but I can be around them and learn about them at the very least. And then starting the course, you know, and in the midst of all that, I mean Ivan was always encouraging me to make some account page podcast.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:52

Hey, hey, you never know, mate. Podcast yet. You never know. You never know.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:57

Just around gardening or just being an old man.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:59

And that sounds like waffle on in the car. You could be interviewing Alan Titchmarsh in five years' time, mate. You never know. Let's manifest it now. Manifest now.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:08

Um and so, yeah, she was always encouraging me to do stuff. So when it came to, you know, towards the end, on those days that was at home. I mean, we'd planned to have a particular garden anyway, we'd planned it all before a condition worsened. And so there was already a plan in place for what I knew she wanted for the garden. And I think that helped through the grief journey as well, is doing odd jobs in the house that were things that I knew that she wanted. And yeah, that's how I kind of got into it originally and and where we are today. Well, where we were a year ago with it. Page I made because I knew she wasn't using a phone really anymore. She wasn't able to. But I knew she always wanted to promote awareness around brain tumours, fundraising and things. So I thought, well, I'm gonna do a gardening page anyway, but I can tie that in and and be a I don't think there's anyone else doing gardening and brain tumours.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:03

It's a good USP. I love the fact that the accounts not just a way for you to share your favourite plants, your bees, your updates, but it's also a legacy for Ivan Wright. And you're a man that defies stereotypes. You're incredibly well dressed, well spoken, but you come from a working class background. You grew up on a council estate. Do you hope to provide an example to other people from working class backgrounds, especially men, by the way, that they can do the same in whatever field they go in, especially those that might be dominated by people of the middle or upper classes?

SPEAKER_01 1:06:39

I never really think of it as leading as an by an example, but if they want to take inspiration from me, go for it. You know, I'm gonna say don't. You know, on the walk this morning I had at least three people come up to me and just say, I really like the way you dress. I'm well. Love that. Yeah, I love that. I'm amazed that in London of all places someone would approach me.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:04

Yeah, most people when that happens are well, especially if you're born in London, you think, Oh my god, are they gonna try and get something off me or they're trying to scam me? So I'm pleased about that, mate. Maybe London's changing.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:13

Yeah. So um yeah, who knows? But yeah, I mean I'm coming from a I say working class background, my mum was just kind of a single mum with me and eventually my little sisters, but we were in in a council house in that sort of environment growing up. So there was a lot of uh noise, a lot of violence going on, a lot of police present pretty much all the time. So coming out of that, you know, I th I mean there was times where I I'd dress in a particular way because that was how everyone else was around me was dressing. But um there was one time got invited out very last minute to go to a restaurant. I think I was just in a tracksuit essentially, and uh I thought very out of place here, you know, with my friends also dress similarly and I ratat choosing me. We were kids, but still I thought we could be a bit better here. Um and so after that I just started whenever I was getting new clothes and able to just get a shirt and dress a bit more formally, if you will, formal casual. And it just kind of went from there, essentially, just in case ever a last minute get invited out to a restaurant that needs to be prepared, which Ivan found annoying all the time, because I'd wake up, get dressed to go for a meal or something, and I'd be ready all the time to just do whatever. So yeah, if you want to follow by example to all the men out there, please do, but just be aware you'll be winding up your partner all the time by being ready six hours earlier than any event you intend to go to.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:37

Hey, not many men are like that, to be fair, mate, so you're probably ahead of the curve.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:43

It's an interesting background to end up looking like this and being this way and doing gardening again, like you say, it's uh quite a an upper class dominated industry. Hey, and now you've got a great brand identity.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:56

Exactly, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:57

So I can mask and pass my way into any formal garden. Very much so, mate. The best thing I loved learning about your account in our chat off air, mate, is that every plant in your garden has an emotional reason behind it or a link to a van. Just give my listeners some examples.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:14

Yeah, so for example, there's an apple tree, small apple tree. I will make it sound like I've got this grand estate. I'm in a terrace house with a small garden, but I've used the space wisely where the apple tree, the variety is called Bloody Pluman, and it comes from Pitalockry or Perthshire, where we got engaged. There's another apple tree that's arriving at the end of this year that's from her nan's hometown that she always wanted to go to. So we went there once uh for her last birthday. And again, she loved magnolias and cherry blossoms. She wanted to be buried by one if possible. So there is a cherry blossom in the back garden now that I planted for Valentine's Day this year, and there's a magnolia in the front garden as well, or in say the front garden, the driveway. So things like that, just little niches for things that she really liked or enjoyed, are dotted around the garden. There's a wisteria growing along one of the fences, because she absolutely adored those. And again, there's a theme that for any viewers or listeners that look at my profile throughout this year, there'll be a big sense of blue in the garden. And I've always liked unusual plants and unusual colours. Blue is very rare in the plant world. And it was the morning after she passed away, I walked around the canal where she's from, and there was this huge shrub, a cyanethus, which i it's um a California lilac, just a carpet of blue, and tying into one of the last things I ever said to her in those final minutes, I said to her, just look down. I'm gonna make the garden as bright as possible so you know where I am. And so seeing that the morning after and making that promise to her and then coming home, what do I plant? There was already some cornflowers, blue cornflowers dotted around the garden anyway, that I'd planted for her, because she loved cornflowers. So that was the idea. I'm gonna just plant loads of blue throughout the garden, loads of blue varieties of things. So that's uh a work in progress for this year, um especially. But uh yeah, even just down to the theme and the the choices of plants, it all ties back to her. You know, it's it is in many ways a memorial garden.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:41

You've only been doing the account for a year. It's still small at the moment, but it's gonna get big very soon. We're gonna manifest that as well. What feedback have you had from people so far, mate, who follow you?

SPEAKER_01 1:11:51

Uh I mean the first bit of feedback I had very early on. I mean, naturally we do things, most of you follow a base is uh friends and family. But then I always find it interesting when there's someone that I have no attachment to. I even log in on my main account and just say, you know, any mutual followers? No. Okay. Um so yeah, I think the feedback early on was just, you know, wow, what a lovely thing to be doing. And this is even before she passed away, you know, and then afterwards when she passed, the people would comment on the language I was using and the way I was describing things as being very moving and and things along those lines, which for you know, a dyslexic, dyspraxic, dysgraphic person who struggles to vocalise their thoughts, I think it's it's nice because it again I'm not really thinking about what I'm saying so much as I'm feeling wit, if that makes any sense at all. And I'm glad that my nonsensical ramblings on these things people seem to enjoy and find some not necessarily comfort, but um are happy to join the ride of me exploring not just grief but love and moving forward through plants and uh carrying on her legacy, working for brain tumor awareness.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:12

The account keeps Ivan's memory alive, which is great. This podcast keeps Ivan's memory alive, as long as she has spoken about her memories alive, right? We spoke about it earlier. In September 2025, you completed a sponsored hike up a mountain alongside seven of Ivan's and yours friends and family. You raised £3,300 for brain cancer charities. Tell me about that experience. Do you feel like you were able to release some of that grief through the experience? And also, did you feel like she was with you on that hike, whether in spirit or just somewhere in the ether?

SPEAKER_01 1:13:48

Yeah, I think there's a few layers to this. So, in terms of releasing any grief, it's twofold. I think in the moment and working up to it, I think I got myself in a mindset of once I do this, everything will be okay. I just needed something to focus on. And it did. I was going out every day carrying weight in my backpack to just try and get used to it. I naively just put the entire weight on my backpack day one, thought, let's see how far I can get with this, and I couldn't get across the garden. So it was definitely something good to focus on it and work towards. When it came to the end of the hike, it just kind of felt flat. I was like, oh right, okay. Now what? I was expecting this big euphoric thing of wow, I've done something, and I just didn't feel that at all. It was just like okay, I've I've done the job I needed to do. Let's hike back home another five miles. So it was only afterwards where I got to look back at those photos and feel a sense of pride in what I'd been doing that allowed me to process things more in hindsight on that really sort of energy of grief. In terms of having her with me, I mean I sure hope so. I do manifest it with the whole carrying her with me title of these charity events. The one I'm doing today is carrying her with me at Twilight for the Twilight Walk and the Brain Tumor Charity. But in terms of if she was there, I like to think she was there and that little Robin that followed us the whole way.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:15

Which I thought was very sweet. Let's reflect on this journey, mate. First of all, I know that when you were living in university together, that first garden you went to together, she took pictures of the bees and the flowers for her degree, and you were gardening the garden, literally. So what is your favourite flower and what were yours and Ivan's favourite flower?

SPEAKER_01 1:15:40

So I love roses, I always have absolutely adored roses. Uh I'm very, very particular with the types of roses I like and very snobby about it. And that was in one of our first letters that we wrote together. I um tried doodling a rose and sent that to her. She adored a number of flowers. The Belias come to mind, uh thinking of a Van Snowdrops as well. There were so many. I think Forget Me Not again are another personal favourite of hers. There were just so many. You know, anything a bee loved, essentially, a Van loved. You know, she was absolutely enamoured by bees. You know, she was um always trying to find pictures of them, always getting annoyed when they'd fly off, you know. So between the two of us, flowers hard to say on a particular flower that we both really enjoyed. Equals peacles. Equals peacles, yeah. We couldn't have a favourite one, but between us on trees, it would be a coastal redwood tree. On our tables for the wedding, every table had a different tree, as the table names, and ours was a sequoia, it was it was a coastal redwood. So uh yeah, when we got uh engaged, the hotel we were staying at had one in the garden, and had it not been for a condition we would have got married in Carlisle. We found a venue we really liked, and the entrance to that had two redwood trees you had to drive under as well, which was one of the first things where we thought this is the place. So I always enjoy seeing one where I can. When I did the charity walk in September, there was a sequoia tree at the hotel we were staying at. So, yeah, I think that would be a mutual favourite between the two of us is a tree rather than a flower.

SPEAKER_00 1:17:21

Well, if she enjoyed Forget Me Not, just listen to Patrice Russian, he'll get that every time, mate. I saw her live, she's great. Try and see her as well. And as a final question, similar one to the first topic, before we move on to our mental health chat, what has the account, or running the account, I should say, so far, taught you about yourself as well, mate?

SPEAKER_01 1:17:39

Um I am out of touch on influencers and uh thing, you know. I used to do YouTube videos as a kid and thought I knew anything about it. And yeah, nowadays I'm I'm not on TikTok, I just stay on Instagram, and it's I am very much out of the loop trying. I think I tried my first video with subtitles the other day. I thought, oh, this is all very new. So yeah, so that's what it's taught me about myself as I am out of touch. If I didn't already feel like I'm in my mid-40s through life experience, being on the page uh has definitely added to that.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:12

I'll give you a few tips, mate, don't worry, we'll talk about it off air. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:17

But it's also taught me to just breathe and just be present. And I mean, I spent a moment in the garden the other day. I was trying to think, oh, is there something I can take a picture of in the garden for the page? And just by doing that, I just sat and uh saw some ladybirds, some bees just potting around and yeah, it's just things like that where it's just reminded me to stay grounded and to not get disenfranchised by not knowing how Instagram works nowadays.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:45

And also, I might just say, I know most iPhones are good enough cameras as they are, but who knows? Maybe in the future you might invest in a little Nikon and start taking pictures like Yvan did.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:57

Yeah, yeah. Oh no, I I do have some good cameras, and maybe one day I'll get yeah, I'll get a macro lens. You always used to have a lens on a phone all the time, taking pictures, so I might and not just have to do that uh and join him.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:08

Well, I know a few wildlife photographers, so I can always connect you if you want some tips, mate. Our final topic on this incredible podcast, mate, and it's one I try and have with all of my special guests if we have time. It is a general natter and quickfire chat about our mental health. So, firstly, how is your mental health out of ten? Uh out of ten, give it a good 7.5. I'll take it. What age were you when you became self-aware of your mental health for the first time and you realised that the feelings you were having weren't physical and they were actually in your mind? I think it's hard to pinpoint it because a lot of this is now in retrospect.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:52

I think it was probably when I was doing therapy where it was evident this is more of a mind thing, but maybe I was too young.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:58

But if I was to give a concrete answer, I'd probably say when I was going to therapy, they would have introduced us at that point. I know when the first conversation was, because you've already said it, but tell me about the most important conversation you've ever had with someone about your mental health. So if you can remember, who was it with? What did you say, and what impact did it have? Did it feel like this stereotypical big moment and weight have been lifted? Or on the other hand, something quite easy, natural, and normal to do?

SPEAKER_01 1:20:26

So very good question. I try and be an open book where I can. If someone bumped into me in the street and just asked me any number of the questions you're asking me to have. Hey, JD did. They did. They bumped into the street and asked me to talk about it. I yeah, uh proofing the pudding. Um yeah, I I will do it. So, in terms of a big revelation talk, I'd have to say it was just strung across lots of little conversations through friend groups. Yeah. I find it hard to kind of quantify in one big revelation. The only thing I can think about Sean saying it's gonna hit you in waves. There you go.

SPEAKER_00 1:21:01

That's twice he's been mentioned now. Come on, Sean.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:05

One question that I'm gonna have to use with other people who go through similar things, like myself with grief, and potentially even just very hard mental health issues, is my friend Kieran that called me every day. He said, I'm not gonna ask you how you're feeling today, because I know it's gonna be awful. But what's your baseline today? Given everything, what is the baseline you're at today? Is it better than it usually is? Is it worse than it usually is? Taught me about that. Just phrasing it that way was it made talking about it a lot easier for me at least. So I will be using that moving forward.

SPEAKER_00 1:21:38

Mate, I'm gonna start using that going forward. That's amazing. Big up, Kieran, man. What things in life, mate, do you find that trigger your mental health? So it could be things people say to you, could be a sound, a smell, taste, sensation, or have you not figured all of them out yet?

SPEAKER_01 1:21:54

At the moment, yeah. So I I have told my work, um, because we do a number of things at work, and one of those things is doing tours for school groups and things and story times. I have taken myself out of doing any sort of story time stuff because as odds as it sounds, you know, I'm talking about losing my wife here, but one of those things in the background is kind of one of those reinforcing things and a point we wanted to get to was having a family of her own. One of those factors was um we gave them names as a lot of couples do, imagining kids of the future. And yeah, it became very real on days where Ivan felt like she didn't want to do things for herself or for me or anyone else around her that she loved. It was always I'm fighting this so I can have little Marcella run towards me at the end of school. And just going through all of that, where we both build up this very real tangible thing that was you know close. And you know, yeah, being around young children like that, from that standpoint, it's just very upsetting, you know. So things like that, I've I've taken myself away from it just for self-preservation. Early on, being around any newly engaged couples, I found it hard. That'll get better, mate. That'll get better. It has, because I originally had taken myself away from being around any open evenings for weddings or when people came in for tasting sessions. That slowly got better. I am working with those shifts now, as it has slowly got better. So they were triggers, and I think nowadays it's um comes down to the music that we had at the wedding. Yeah. Those songs still resonate quite heavily, and they always will. Those are the main triggers uh I'd say at the moment that I've come across.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:42

Conversely, then, what positive tools and methods do you use to improve your mental health or help you feel better? Which ones have you found that have worked for you, and maybe which ones that you've tried but haven't? I know one you're gonna say that's very obvious, but give me some others. Yeah, so there's gardening, of course.

SPEAKER_01 1:23:56

Uh being around plants and soil, you know, that that has been proven, just having your hands in some soil does an awful lot of good for your mental well-being. I guess uh getting it, I wouldn't say in good shape, but better shape than I was for the charity height, you know, being active, I did feel better doing that. Oh mate, if you got hench and you were doing gardening in that suit, you'd be unstoppable. I do wear a tie when I'm doing the gardening, but even if it's heavy work. No, but I I think you know keeping yourself active where you can. I'm always on my feet at work and gardening, of course, and I guess just being around people, just for the sake of being around people. I think a lot of guys will resonate just sitting in a Discord call, nuttering away, or not saying anything at all, just being present around people digitally or in person.

SPEAKER_00 1:24:43

So that would be the three things, yeah. What is the best book, or as I call it, mental health Bible you've read for your mental health? Now it can be mental health or self-help related, it doesn't have to be, it can be fiction, anything you want. I mean, to sound very illiterate, I don't really read very much. Okay, audiobook or album or TV show, any piece of popular culture. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:25:06

Um I mean, I will say about the the widower support groups I've joined on Facebook and and reading people's stories has definitely provided some ounce of support. I'll give an example. I'd posted in the group saying, Hey, this is me, this is my wife that I've just lost the situation. And someone messaged me saying, Hey, it felt very surreal reading your post because my husband was first diagnosed at the end of 2018, then they recovered, and then they got rediagnosed at the end of 2022, and then they lost their mobility at the end of 2024, and then we got married the same week that me and Ivan got married and passed away the same weekend. So just hearing that story from someone over in America, I think it was um at Ohio.

SPEAKER_00 1:25:53

That's a literal mirror, isn't it? Wow.

SPEAKER_01 1:25:55

It was very like, oh, okay, uh, someone's feeling or experiencing something I have in a mirrored way. So it felt like a not necessarily a warm hug, but it was just a confess of you're not alone in this, no matter how much you think you are and how unique your experience is. There is someone out there that will have felt it as close as you can imagine. So, in terms of literature and things, support groups for whatever you're going through. I think having the ability and the confidence to express your story to multiple support groups if that they're available, um, there will be someone that reaches out and just says, Oh, if they've seen it, you know, I've gone through the same thing, you know, do you want to talk about it? So I can't offer any particular literature or podcast and things. Apart from this one, come on, man. Richard E12. Yeah, absolutely I've seen the odd clip of Richard E. Grant talking about the grief stays the same, but the world gets bigger, and I resonate with that because of you know, starting the course, starting a new job, new city. The world immediately got very big very, very quickly, but the grief was still there just the same. So, as well as feeling it in waves, hearing that from that podcast really gave me some perspective.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:13

If there was a mantra in life that summed up your mental health, what would it be and why?

SPEAKER_01 1:27:19

I could be very British and say keep calm, carry on. Um I mean to some extent that is the case. And yeah, just keep calm, carry on. This too shall pass is it's not by a van, but a van used to say that a lot. But so I'd have to put it down to one of those two if I was gonna give a mantra to it.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:36

What do you love about yourself?

SPEAKER_01 1:27:39

Oh I'm a persistent bugger, whether it'll be winding up my colleagues or trying to make plants grow where they just don't want to grow. Yeah. If I've got my mind set on something, which only happens a couple times a year, then I will stick to it.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:57

And as a final question, mate, it's been an incredible podcast. You can answer this question any way you want. What more do you think we have to do to ensure men from all backgrounds, all social classes, all walks of life feel comfortable and safe in opening up about their mental health issues or just their general mental health, if most importantly, they want to do it?

SPEAKER_01 1:28:18

I'm going to be very cliche and just say, talk about it. In terms of if we want to collectively, if you're confident enough around it and you feel safe yourself, talk about how you're feeling. Give those little details and intricacies around your own experiences because they may provide a latch for someone else to cling on to. Absolutely. And a lot of these things with mental health, it can be very doom and gloom and very hard. But if you're able to add an ounce of humour to it, an ounce of uh hope hope, camaraderie, hope can't be understated. I mean, a Van was buried with a necklace that says I hope on it, uh as the the ending lines of the Shawshank Redemption of favourite film. So yeah, I mean that's a quite an apt way to round up this is yeah, talk about yourself, be open. But whilst doing that, provide hope.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:37

I hope. What an incredible and beautiful way to end this podcast, mate. Adam, this has been probably the most I've cried on a podcast in a little while. But it's also been one of the most special and most important podcasts I've ever done. So thank you for coming on the Just Checking In podcast. Thank you for sharing your story, thank you for sharing Ivan's story and talking to me, bro.

SPEAKER_01 1:30:01

Oh, thank you very much, Freddie, and thank you for just checking in with me and letting me talk about it. I'll never miss a chance to do it.

SPEAKER_00 1:30:11

Well, that's all we've got time for on this edition of the Just Checking In pod. A big, massive thank you to Adam for being my special guest, for letting me check in with him, and for telling you, the listener, all about the life and death of his wife, Ivan. I'll put a link to where you can follow Adam's Instagram account and follow his journey on social media in the show notes as always. Thank you to all the vendors who've tuned into this episode. Remember, if you've liked what you've heard, give it a share on social media. Tell your friends or work colleagues or family about us. If you're feeling generous, please do write us a review and give us a five star rating on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. If you like what we're doing, event, please consider supporting us by going to patreon.com slash ventshelpuk or make or enough donation to our PayPal. All of those links are on our link tree. That's linktr.ee slash vent helpuk. We hope to check in with you again very soon. And remember, guys, it is always okay to vent.